Aug 29 2012

i’d been noticing a problem with my head for some time, but i hadn’t been able to get anyone to listen to me about it. i’ve always been told that it is a good idea to go to the doctor if you have funny symptoms going on with your body, like new things happening that you can’t remember having experienced before. most people seem to think this is the right thing to do.

but haven’t you also heard that sometimes doctors don’t pay much attention to what their patients are saying. one girl i know had tinnitus, it was driving her crazy, but the doctors she went to just told her to go away, and eventually she went deaf. or remember how in fight club the narrator complains of insomnia but the doctor treats him like an idiot, and he ends up pulling half the world down.

nobody wants to believe that it is possible to think too much. apart from maybe some buddhist type person whose goal is to stop all thought completely, but that’s not what i mean. there were too many thoughts in my mind, and i couldn’t control them. it’s like if there were triple the number of trains on busy lines as usual, and the people directing them became very worried about losing the capacity to keep it all organised. we’re afraid of a major collision! they’d warn in alarm, watching the schedule overflow.

one specialist, thinking she could surprise me with some new consideration, informed me (with, i’ll give it to her, the inflection of a question) that i don’t think when i’m asleep. but if she was prepared to be met with a moment of silent deliberation, she was disappointed. thats just it! i immediately cried, i never stop thinking! even when i’m asleep! all the time! and the quantity of thoughts is growing! help me please! she silently provided me with a script for valium. i tried it, and for a couple of days i even believed it was working. but it was only providing the distraction of an unfamiliar sensation. the thoughts kept coming onward and onward in ever greater numbers and more and more relentlessly.

finally on the street, on my way to meet with yet another neurologist, the problem exceeded my abilities of restraint. the barriers were burst and the thoughts flooded my awareness, overwhelming all of my senses, in a blinding pitch of agony. and still there were more thoughts, more than i could have ever conceived, rushing in like as though my mind were some sort of puncture in the universe.

my poor body, convulsing on the pavement, was surrounded by passerby when my skull cracked open. the fragments parted, and from inside crawled a pure white owl, much larger than the space seemed to allow. in this moment of great surprise, it was too imposing for approach. some of the onlookers became mesmerised in the mirrors of its eyes, while others noticed the rainbows webbing the filaments of its spreading wings. it fluffed its feathers and shook its head. WHO, it pronounced, and flew off.

when some more daring spectators peered inside my broken cranium, they observed only bones as clean as the insides of eggshells. there was nothing to see but the afternoon light passing through my empty orbits. after everything that had happened, it was then possible to agree that i should be treated with serious medical attention.

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