what i did for love

Feb 25 2013

love said it had a surprise for me and blindfolded me. it told me i would not be needing my phone or wallet. it led me through the city and into a building and down a flight of steps and instructed me to sit on the floor. then i heard it close a door. after an agonising period of waiting i removed the blindfold and discovered that i was locked alone in a bare room. i called to be let out but no one heard me. i was too nervous to try breaking out. there was nothing to do but watch the light cast by the single tiny window crawl across the wall. i couldnt hold my bladder and i pissed myself.

love laid me in a candlelit bubble bath and mesmerised me with gentle lullabies while it opened my veins with a scalpel. it floated fragrant blossoms on the water as my heart bled out.

love presented me with a paper bag and inside was a magic body suit. “you deserve this more than anyone,” it said. when i put the suit on it melted into my skin and became part of me. since then i have never felt cold or hungry or dirty or tired or alone.

love told me that my art was not a viable reason for living and burnt my studio to the ground so i could have “a fresh start”. my life’s work was stored in that studio and there was nothing that could be salvaged. “stop feeling so sorry for yourself,” said love, “none of that shit was worth any money.”

love took me shopping for some new jeans. it told me to try them on and then when i came out of the change room it grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the store. i could not believe what we had done. we ran down the street laughing until we thought our lungs would burst. we ducked into a gambling den and drank beers trying to calm down, scandalised by our own criminality.

love took me to a nightclub and slipped a phial of GHB into my scotch & soda when i was looking the other way. i dont know what happened next. i woke up in a desperate condition behind a back street dumpster. i only know that love drugged me because it told me what it had done later.

love wanted to play dress ups. it stripped me naked and fingerpainted my body with rainbow. then it flew away with me to fairyland and told me we would never come back.

love announced that it was leaving me, forever. “thats it, ive had it, im not coming back, ever ever ever.” when it went it stole my credit card and maxed it out at an adult store.

love tattooed its name on my face. a week later it severed my genitals and pickled them in a preserves jar which it displayed on its nightstand. a few months after that it tipped the contents of the jar out in the garbage bin. when i requested to remove those parts from that place and bury them in the garden, it forbade me from doing so, on pain of losing its protection.

love confessed to cheating on me a year or two ago in a darkroom gangbang. “im sorry,” it said, “but it was so much fun, i had always wanted to do it, and at that time you really werent giving me the attention i deserved – you were cheating on me too, for all i knew. and its alright because my tests are all negative.”

love showed up outside my home and banged on the door for months until i let it back in. love was a charming disaster; it was looking like a sweet puppy that had been in a sad scrape. it begged me to take it back and promise promise promised to respect me. “i know what respect means now,” it sobbed, “i finally understand.”

love got me so drunk i passed out and while i was unconscious it bound my wrists and ankles to the bedposts. i awoke when it pulled the ropes tight to stretch me out on my back. love then proceeded to gag and vivisect me. my muffled screams summoned no one to save me and love showed no mercy. it tipped a bucket of diluted bleach over me and scrubbed my insides with a wire brush. i was no longer a teenager and the surfaces of my organs had become adhered to one another in some places, but love tore them apart again. “im not stopping until you are completely clean,” it explained, over and over.

love seduced me. it abducted and overpowered me. it smothered me in the furnace of its huge arms while i gasped for air and tried to wriggle free. but struggle availed nothing; my body was weak, and i was ruined.

love chained me to a wall in a dungeon under its house. it beat me with clubs that had rusty nails sticking out of them and it ground cigarettes out on me. it defecated on me and it spooned my vomit back into my own mouth as it held my jaws open. it abandoned me for days at a time. it told me that it would destroy my personality and all that remained would be a refined tool for a true purpose. love said i would thank it someday when i was old enough to understand.

love sat me down for a serious talk. it told me never to be afraid. it told me i am infinitely special and unique and beautiful and perfect and precious. it told me no one would ever understand me like it did and that was too bad for everyone else. then it taught me to levitate.

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